sweetfairydream (sweetfairydream) wrote in 1stgaytry,

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.........here i am left alone with my thoughts.

Ok so the other night my girlfriend and i were invite to a party at my ex-boyfriend michaels house. {*note* not many people know about me and michelle besides my mom, my sister, some of her friends, michael, and a few mutual friends of mine and michelles.} I knew inside i wasnt totally ready to go to this party and be totally out. For a whole week i had been trying to figure out how to bring it up and talk to her about it. I didnt want to upset her, I dont know why but i was scared to death. So i put it off and put it off till eventually the night of the party came and i couldnt n e more. We had gotten into a lil argument and i finally just decided i wasnt gonna go. She knew something was wrong and well i had to spill it. I mean i dont know what it was or what it still is i seriously had a break down. She helped me through it and we decided we would go but keep it quiet and i thought she was okay with that. Till as soon as we got there a friend from out of town james was sayin how he didnt really like michaels g/f and what are the chances of you and mikey gettin back together and i mean i didnt exactly shout out that i was with michelle but i let him know that wasnt gonna happen. First of all were just not good together that way and were best friends now. But he wasnt the only one. His sister also said something and i handled it the same way. A friend of both mine and michaels came up to me later and was quectioning the situation b/c she knew of it through michael and that was okay with me b/c she was in the same situation just a lil more out about it. I told her yea it was tru and i introduced her to michelle. james some how refered danielle to bein gay and i told him its ok cuz so am i. Them two werent that big of a deal b/c i have known them as long as i have known michael. Auctually that is how i know them. So a time came when michelle got a lil close when everyone was around and i kinda freaked. Because i had the talk with her before we even went so that we didnt have to get into it there. Well it kinda upset her which i can understand. But i mean shes alwayz known she was gay and well she lost her virginity to a girl. It just isnt the same for me. I dont know why this is so hard for me i have alot of gay friends. My sister is gay. I know my friends and other people i know are okay with it too im just terrified. But i dont know of what. See when i first started seein michelle there was a halloween party someone from work threw and we went to it. There i jumed into lettin everyone know i was interested in her and i had 20 quections from this girl i didnt even know. She wasnt mean or harsh i just cant really explain all of it to myself let alone other people. I just feel this huge pressure from her to be out and proud. Its not that i am ashamed at all i really dont know what it is. I wish i could figure it out it would make things a hell of alot easier. I mean she really is trying and i know why she ended up upset and drinking too much and i feel horrible for that but i also went ahead and tried to explain things to her before we got there that i just wasnt ready and i felt as if she didnt take my feelings into consideration. I could prolly write a whole book on this night but thats all for now. please fell free to leave your insights i love that i have this place to turn to when i need you guys.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has given me their adivice, oppinions, and support.

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